Heavy sigh

Today, WordPress let me know that it had been 3 months since I posted Bodhi has left the building. I can hardly believe it has been so long. I still find myself expecting him when I come home, while I’m waking up, or when I’m falling asleep. I look for him when I cut vegetables, when I have a tasty tidbit I know he’d love. I think of him when I vacuum, when I come home late, and when a doorbell rings on the soap I watch. I think of him too whenever I water the lemon tree I planted in his name.

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Some might say that my life is easier these days. My days no longer revolve around his eating and going outside. I no longer need someone to take care of him during the day or if I go on a trip. Last week I found myself out late unexpectedly, but there was no need to worry that he’d be home alone too long. Some might expect that to feel freeing, instead it only made my loss stand out that much more starkly.

I am still burning practically all my food, and find myself standing in the middle of a room about twice a day, not remembering what I was doing or why I am standing in that room. I bang some part of my body nearly every day, and have dropped, broken and spilled so many things I’m not even surprised any longer.

When I go for a run, I have a feeling like I’ve forgotten something the whole way. I actually run a little faster, a little freer without Bodhi, but it seems like cheating, and I usually push myself harder when I notice it. I go for a lot fewer runs, too. In part that’s because I hurt myself recently and had to stop running altogether, but part of it is also that it feels wrong to run without Bodhi. After his heat stroke, I remember how hard it was to leave him at home when I went out, how eager he would be to come with me, how eager he was to be with me when I got home. 

I remember back in the day my mom would say to me, “But why are you depressed? What is so bad in your life?” I didn’t always have an answer for her, as you know, depression is an dirty bastard and doesn’t need a good reason to show it’s face. These days, I have a reason. I miss Bodhi. He’s gone on without me and I’ll never see him again. Further, October is the anniversary of my father’s birthday and death, followed quickly by Veteran’s Day, another sad day for remembering him. They’ve been heavy, these three months.

The world’s most perfect prefab cookie

The world’s most perfect prefab cookie

Junk food, eating out and sleeping at odd intervals have been my coping methods these last three months, and, I gotta tell you, they just don’t help the way you’d think they would. In fact, it’s started a nasty cycle of further bad feelings once I find myself in a sugar stupor. I’ve been heavy too, these three months. I loved Bodhi well, and he loved me even better. I think maybe now I’m ready to put him down. Good bye, my friend.

Bodhi’s actual tree

Bodhi’s actual tree

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