Who knows?

Life is a confusing place sometimes, no? I mean, who knows what the hell is going on from moment to moment? I’ve suffered from depression for a long time now, and dude, I work in the field, and even I don’t always get what’s going on with my own self.

When I first started to see a therapist, my mom asked me, “But why? What are you depressed about?” Her take on it was first that I had a pretty good life, which she was right about. And secondly, that if I just “turned it all over to god” I’d be happier, which was an idea I just couldn’t get behind. I mean, in the broadest, most Buddhist sense, I do get that being attached to – things, people, ideas, outcomes – often results in pain. In that way, I can frequently do just as she says (with a little word-wrangling) and let it go.

But depression isn’t about any of those things. It isn’t about where I am, or who I’m with. It isn’t about what I’m doing or even how I’m doing. I mean, really, when I think about it objectively, my life IS good. In so many ways. Of course there are areas that are happier and areas that are less happy, and certainly I’m not claiming perfection (except in the sense that I try to remember that everything is unfolding perfectly) but yeah, my life is good. I know that. And I know all about stopping to smell the roses, too. For a rant on that idea – check out The DIY Couturier’s.

None of this can stop the mean reds, however.

Even if I sit and list all my favorite things, my best or most recent successes, the people I love who love me back, or the many ways that I enjoy my world, none of that can hold back the nothing.

The question isn’t “why am I depressed?”  Or “what do I have to be depressed about?” The question is, “What now?”

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