5 in the hole?

So, back in my strong Science of Mind days, someone told me about the “hole card.” I think it was my friend Paula. She said that if you *said* that you really wanted A, but meanwhile in the back of your mind you were holding on to B as a kind of back up, or hole card, that you were kind of jinxing yourself. Ok, she probably didn’t say “jinxing,” but that was the idea. That you were holding back your “Ace in the hole.” The idea was that you were not giving yourself 100% to idea A, that you were holding a little back just in case A didn’t work out. The idea is to really put your attention and energy on what you want, and not to waver.

As I’m typing it, though, it sounds a little like another concept she told me about, “New Age Guilt Trips,” an idea she was strongly opposed to. That idea was something like saying that you caused all your ailments because you weren’t positive enough and such, so isn’t that the same? If you don’t put your 100% on the idea A, if you spare some attention for the “whatifs” then somehow you don’t deserve A?

I just sent off my first letter to a local post-match internship site and I can’t decide if that was a good idea or not. In my last round of applications, I applied for 3 out of state which all seemed like good placements to me. Yesterday someone in class (my last class EVER) came up to me and said that she heard that I applied at one of those sites (she matched with them already) and told me about what a great site it would be. She also told me that they are typically slow in process and it might take a while to hear from them. It was the site that I was least sure about because I have very little experience in that area, but hearing her talk about it made me feel excited about it too.

However…the bottom line for me is that I must get an internship. I do NOT want to go through this process again next year (or ever for that matter) and I am just about beyond caring how well of a “fit” the site is. Yes, I still want to work with children, but if that isn’t in the cards for next year, I can live with that.

So, am I shooting myself in the foot by applying locally to a site that really has very little to offer that I am very interested in? I mean, yes, it would mean I don’t have to move – and you already know the parts about MN I will miss – so that’s good, right? I would mean working a ridiculous number of hours, since it would mean that I would have to continue at my private practice for the duration (given the low stipend). And I just thought of this this morning, it would give me the year to sell my place so that when the year is up I could move easily.

But it feels something like a hole card, like I am just trying to keep my options open.Not that I consider this local site to be much of an Ace…more like a 5 of diamonds. The truth is I am keeping my options open.

So, is that a bad thing or what? What do you think?


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