Archive for March, 2011

WW update

Ever wonder why it’s called Weight Watchers? I never did before.

Here’s the thing, even though I have kind of despised my body for as long as I can remember, I was always opposed to the idea of any kind of dieting. Hmmm, I guess that isn’t quite true, as I recall eating some kind of crazy cabbage soup back when I still lived at home with my mom. Let me rephrase – once I became an adult I planted myself firmly against any kind of crazy diet.

Over the years, the times that my weight did go down, it always happened when I was working out at a pretty low aerobic level. This is something that I have considered from time to time, but I really love running and it seemed too been hard to give up. I had done everything else I could think of (see Weight Watchers and the new story) and now it was time for something new.

So, I joined WW and began counting points. It didn’t change what I was eating much, since I was already watching my calories on and off for the last few years. I did get a bit of a feeling of liberation, though, feeling like I could “save up” some points for eating out once in a while or for dessert on other days. But I did not lose any weight. I bought the first scale I’ve ever owned and began checking my weight once a week. Well, once or twice. Oh, ok, I started checking several times a day. That alone bothered me, but as my weight changed from day to day, so did my mood. That really pissed me off. I decided I would not renew my WW membership as it wasn’t helping – and actually seemed to be adding to my distress about my weight.

Meanwhile, my knee pain finally stopped me from running altogether. I had to start walking s-l-o-o-o-o-o-w-l-y, 2 mph or less, to keep from having intense knee pain. And guess what happened? Without changing one other thing and not keeping track of my food beyond a casual count in my head, my weight started dropping, about a pound a week.

I know, right? That sounds great, right? It’s easy and I can do homework and even work while walking since I’m going so slowly. I can shower as soon as I’m done without waiting the requisite 35 minutes after a good run to cool down. And I’m glad about the weight, too. But I already miss the running and the feeling I get from it, the euphoria, yes, but also that feeling of accomplishment when I’m done. And I hate that I have taken to the scale the way I have, checking and thinking about checking all the damn time. Then I started reading this book:

and it messed with my mind. It is a great non-fiction anthology, with some really fun essays in it, including “Fat Guys Kick Ass,” by Steven A. Shaw and “A Shiner Like a Diamond,” by David Sedaris. And there are some really sad, disturbing essays (The Man Who Couldn’t Stop Eating, Atul Gawadne – Big Game Hunting, Sarah Fenske, On Being Invisible, Natalie Kusz) and inspiring ones (Queen of the Gym, Cheryl PeckHunger, Anne Lamott). But the one that really got me was the first one, “Letting Myself Go,” by Sally Tisdale.

Tisdale talks about all the attention she has put on her weight over the years, losing and gaining, dieting and exercising. She talks about the freedom of letting all that go, of “choosing to stop fighting” herself. She talks about learning to live without fear. I nearly stopped reading right there. I want to feel that way about myself, don’t I? But it was a Tuesday night when I read it and I hadn’t weighed myself all day and was hoping for a “good” number on Wednesday morning, my official weigh-in day with WW. How can I be healthy and feel ok about myself AND work for the good numbers? I thought back to the times when my numbers were good – and I remembered that they were always times when I was not focused on my weight at all. They were times that I was focused on other things, joyful things, new things, but not times when I was slaving away watching my weight.

What I really want more than anything is just to feel good the way I am, to feel healthy and strong and happy. That is the new story.



He’s a genius…

Although much diminished, Bodhi still has the occasional urge to leap around madly (see video —>)

He mostly does it in the yard as I don’t allow it in the house. When there’s no snow, he has a hole in the yard where I let him dig at will. But now the ground is completely covered with snow and I usually try to direct him at the giant mound at the end of the driveway, but that doesn’t always work. Sometimes he just goes nuts in the center of the yard, leaping and growling and eating the snow. I added a little video of this to the flickr roll —–>

I am glad to see him do this especially after his heat stroke this summer, because I am glad to see he has the energy. On the other hand, I worry a lot about him running in to stuff – the fire pit, the wood pile, the fire pit. Did I mention the fire pit has a cement block ring around it? Whenever he is leaping and cavorting, I freak out that he is going to pounce on that and break a leg, but he never does. In fact, sometimes he leaps around it. It’s amazing to me, even when it was the most covered with snow, when the snow was equal around it and I could barely make out where it was, he would miss it every time.

Yes, you can see the sticks, but not the sides...

I’m impressed by his spatial concepts ability. He didn’t get that from me, must have got it from my ex. 🙂  He has the same sense about his leash. He has one of those bungie leashes, one of those retractable leashes (thanks to my favorite rumi) and he knows exactly how far it goes. I don’t mean that he goes out to the end of the leash and stops, I mean that just before it runs out, he slows, and if I am not moving towards him, he stops. Even when running (except when he is bouncing and leaping)! And he isn’t even looking at me.

I know this isn’t particular to Bodhi – Detta did it too – but I am still impressed.

Well trained…

Bodhi is such a sweet, smart dog. I admit that I do still compare him to my previous dog who passed away a few years ago. Funny how with each passing year she becomes ever more perfect. 🙂

But Bodhi is great too, just in different ways. Every morning as we enter the kitchen, I say, “Do you want to eat breakfast, or do you want to go out first?” If he doesn’t do something immediately I turn and look at him and ask again, “Do you want to eat, or go out?” If he drops violently down on his belly just outside the kitchen, I start making his breakfast. This is easy to explain, as anyone who has ever heard me in the house with either dog say “out of the kitchen!” When I am making food, his or mine, he is supposed to get out of the kitchen.

The other night my rumi, Amy was over and she mentioned something about the way I have “conversations” with Bodhi. This got me thinking. Of course they aren’t real conversations, but I usually feel like we are communicating. As I was going in to the kitchen this morning, I suddenly wondered, wait, do I really know which he wants? Or am I just assuming? I mean, I know that some days I make his breakfast and some days I take him out first, that must mean something, right? I decided to put it to the test. “Do you want to eat breakfast, or do you want to go out first?” Bodhi came rushing across the kitchen and sat down behind me. I totally cracked up. I laughed all the way out the door. This is easy to explain too. When we are going for a walk, I don’t let him go ahead of me, and if he does, I stop moving and wait till he hops (he really does, hops and leaps, usually kind of frantically) backwards to more or less the “heel” position.

He’s got me well trained.


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