Archive for April, 2010

I still can’t figure out diskus.

But that ain’t the big issue that has been on my mind since Friday at 9 am. I have just spent the last 4 days doing a nasty comprehensive final for my doctorate. I think I’m pretty much done. I am waiting for my sister to send me any edits and then I will send them in. It was a huge stressor and I am sure I lost some good hours of my life. And the thing is, does that test tell anyone what I know about good psychology? Is it representative of what I learned in the last 3 years? I think not. I really have no idea why we even have to do comps. Of course, I have done lots of things over the last 3 years that I didn’t understand a bit, so hey, why change now?

I am totally sick to my stomach, partly from anxiety, partly from the minty smell coming from the little packet of scent that is living under the stove in an effort to scare away the mice. Guess what? It isn’t working. Last night, a fucking mouse totally chewed through some saran wrap and stole a Hershey’s kiss off my fucking cake.

Also, I can’t figure out how to post a pic. I have one, you know of the cake.

Bastards.

No wait, there it is…just a second…

There it is…the cake with the thing missing…

Look how cool it was before!

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Supposed to be doing my comps

Yes, it is true. I am in the last big weekend of my doctoral degree (well, ok, I do have one other class to take in the summer, but it isn’t too heavy, so I’m totally not counting it). Meanwhile, this weekend is the big comprehensive final. It consists of 4 questions and we have 4 days to do it. Should be a snap. I started with the question I deemed easiest, as working on the hard question would have just depressed me and taken all day to stare at, much less get anything done. I started at 9:15 am. I worked from 3 to 7:30. I am still sitting here with half of one question answered. I am seriously considering going to bed.

Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with me? I really don’t know. I am sick to my stomach and have no idea what I need to do to make this happen. I started the question answering it one way then decided about 10 pm to change my answer. I liked the second choice ok and it seemed more specific, but now I can’t seem to find any research that supports that form of therapy. Fuck.

Yes, I really just want to say FUCK about this. I don’t have any clever lines or funny anecdotes, I am just feeling fucked. Also, I am having some spasms in my back, something that has never happened to me before and holy fuck does it hurt! Seriously. I am in ridiculous pain every 10 to 30 seconds, more or less. I took Motrin which my sis the nurse practitioner said would help. I still feel bad an hour and a half later. fuck.

Also, this whole stupid process really reminds me of how much I miss my dad. He is the only person in my family who would really be proud of me for what I am doing. He might be the only person in my family who would even care. He also would be helpful, listen to me read the questions and offer whatever advice he could. No, he is not a clinical psychologist, but he might offer ideas about the structure and flow of my answers that would be heard and heeded.

My dad died more than 2 years ago now. I am reminded of it frequently, pretty much every day when I get in the car I inherited from him. Also singing in the choir is a tough place for me, as I am often reminded that he never got to see me perform. My dad loved music and was especially fond of sopranos. In his last years he was very interested in Cecilia Bartoli. I have some of his discs in the car, too, but I can’t listen to them because I just want to cry when I hear them. It was a dream of mine for him to hear me perform with the local women’s choir. Plus the stupid fact that as he was in his dying days we were singing some pretty sad songs about dying and losing someone important…fuck.

Is it over yet?

Addicted to unavailable people?!?

Porca miseria. Guarda, questa ragazza che ho baciato…sembrava che tutto stava bene, che eravamo sulla stessa pagina. Pero adesso mi ha scritto che vuole essere solamente la mia amica. WTF? Che cos’e che non posso essere attratto a una persona che e disponibile? C’e l’abbiamo baciato per ORE. E allora…niente? Mi ha detto che era sempre attratto e che era ansiosa di parlare con me. E poi? So che c’era una buona motiva di a) non baciarsi sulla pista di ballo e b) di non baciare una che era ubriaco. Lo so che questa sembra ovvio a tutti, e ho sempre fatto così. Lo so che no dovevo…pero insisteva! Lei era un po aggressivo…ho cercato di evitarla. Alle fine mi ha convinto…per niente.

E che cos’e che voglio? Se lei dice che possiamo parlare…cos’e che voglio? Buona domanda. Voglio baciarla! Voglio fare l’amore! No, sul serio. Penso che possiamo stare un po’ insieme. Abbiamo parlato prima di rapporto a lungo termine, e com’e non lo voglio….e ne anche lei. Abbiamo parlato di un rapporto a media termina – dicendo che per tutte due questo sarà molto meglio. Allora so che dopo un anno, devo trasferirmi. So che anche se non devo, non voglio stare qui (perché odio MN). So che voglio tornare in Italia un giorno. Non voglio una persona di qua, perché la mia esperienza con gente di qua non e molto positivo. Non voglio ne anche fare sesso con gente che non conosco.

Pero non posso dire che non voglio stare un po con qualcuno. Dunque abbiamo discusso questa idea di un rapporto a media termine (MTR). Un MTR sarà perfetto. Una persona in cui posso stare, posso parlare, baciare, fare l’amore…con la previsione – sapendo che non vogliamo stare insieme per sempre. E la monogamia? Non so se devo aver questo. Sono sempre stato, pero non so se e un dovere.

Ovviamente voglio stare con qualcuno che mi vuole. E penso che vorrei un rapporto di lungo termine…un giorno… Pero voglio anche provare questo. Ho scritto un email a lei. Vediamo.

Watching Whoopi

Ok, so the acupuncture guy told me to turn off the computer TWO hours before bed time. Yes, right ok. Well, I did manage to shut it off for a while, and I even watched Whoopi Goldberg on Broadway from 1985 without nearly NO facebooking. My plan was to head to bed after that, but then I read Amy’s post and dang! It made me want to update mine.

Whoopi rocks the stage in that old recording. The show is funny and terrible, too. Her material has funny parts but also deeply moving parts. It made me laugh out loud and cry, too. I think I needed the crying…

There is a new show 20 years later or something like that but I saw it a couple of years ago (while looking for the one I saw tonight) and I don’t think it’s nearly as good.

I convinced myself not to take any kind of muscle relaxant tonight…I was sure I would feel tired enough to sleep but not so far. Also I am so tight in my neck and back…my foot is all tingly too. Shit.

Randomly…I love Star Trek: TNG. As soon as my dissertation proposal moves on to the next stage…I decided I would let myself buy the whole series on DVD. Until then, I have to watch the few episodes I have saved on my DVR. I haven’t watched them in a while, but one is on now and damn, it’s smart TV. Darmok and Gelad at Tenagra.

Temba, his arms wide.

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